I got an email from my Mom today. It’s a bit of a rant as she’d had a hard day at the market. If you read my St Patrick’s Day post you know that my Mom is The Sample Lady at a “health food” store and has a bit of a gritty attitude when it comes to her job and the people she deals with on a daily basis.

Below you will find my mother’s email to me. I’m sharing the meat of the document word for word, I feel the contents are too good for only me to enjoy. Lessons for us all are contained herein.

Store Sampling (a loose definition)

Providing customers an opportunity to try a product before they purchase it and/or introducing a new product to customers.  And, when all else fails — how to get rid of crap you can’t sell before it goes “out of date.” Take note!

What Sampling is not

• Lunch
• Afternoon snack for little kids
• Free food for teenagers
• Supplemental meals for mooching employees
• Free treats for a family outing

My Daily “Gross-Outs”

• A woman reaching into the paper sleeves of freshly baked bread and squeezing each loaf — with her bare hand — to test for freshness.
• A normal appearing man opening the door, reaching into the empty popcorn machine — and again with his bare hand — scraping up any and all popcorn residue left behind.
• A regular “Old Fart” sampling olives with his bare hands from the olive bar.
• A little kid washing his hands in the drink-sampling dispenser.
• A woman sharing her sandwich — bite for bite — with her dog.
• Kids digging into the bulk barrels with both hands — also eating from the bulk bins.
• Little kids fondling rolls from bakery bins.
• Woman spitting sample back in cup and handing it back to me.

Other things that piss me off

• Stupid customers asking if sampling spoons are “clean” — no really, we collect up the dirty ones and re-use them — duh.
• People eating lunch as they shop and not paying
• Customers leaving dirty sampling cups, toothpicks ad napkins on sampling tray, they belong in the trash!
• People taking samples without even making eye contact while on their cell phones.
• People “loading up” on samples — as many as they can carry in both hands

Love Mama

After reading this I’d like to lock myself in the house and never go near a grocery store again. I guess the lesson here is mind your manners and remember that not everyone out there has much sense. Get your food from places that have the least amount of potential fondlers. Farmers markets are good as there are fewer people involved. Or, grow/bake/cook your own food. Do ya feel me?

Stay tuned — next week we’ll be looking at our butt cracks. Is yours crooked? If so what does that mean?

Enjoy the weekend. See you Monday, and happy April Fools Day!